Saturday, November 29, 2014

JOKE: A recent Muslim convert calls her imam with questions about Islam

JOKE: A recent Muslim convert calls her imam with questions about Islam



Dial dial dial dial dial... Ring... ring... ring... "Hello. Masjed As-Saber Mosque." "Is this the imam?" "Speaking, my child!"

"Hi. This is Sandra Welch and I converted to Islam a couple weeks ago." "Oh yes. Very good my dear."

"Yeah. And I told my mom and dad. They didn't care either way because they're meth freaks. But when I told my boyfriend, he wasn't so sure. He wrote down a few things on a piece of paper he wanted me to ask you about Islam." "OK. What you want to know?"

"Well first of all, he said that you Muslims use 'TUH-KEY-UH'. I'm not sure what that is but he said basically it means you guys are a bunch of lying-ass 'sock-cu - hey April what is this word? - oh cocksuckers." "No my dear, we always tell truth. Allah not allow us to lie."

"Well I didn't think you were lying either. I mean - after all - why would you need to lie to get people to join Islam anyway? OK. Another thing my boyfriend said was that Mohammed was a pedo-dyle - shit, I can't read my own writing. Oh pedophile - that's it. And something about robbing the cradle along with robbing a bunch of other things..."

"Oh no. Aisha was 9 years old. She very mature for her age."

"Yeah, I know that's true. But my boyfriend also said something about that the men like to fuck goats and donkeys and camels. Is that true?" "No that's not true. Who is boyfriend? He's liar. And maybe we should talk some sense to him."

"OK. Glad to know that. I mean - after all - why would anyone fuck animals? I mean that's insane. You can get diseases doing that - or I guess you could. And also my boyfriend mentioned blowing up balloons." April cuts in: "No Sandra. He said they blow up people in suicide bombs!" "Oh yeah that's what he said."

The imam says: "Your boyfriend big liar. Whoever kills a soul kills all of mankind! We talked about that last Friday, child."

"OK I know. And I have been praying every day to Allah. I'm not sure what the words mean yet but I am sure you will tell me one day. Well I am going to stay Muslim for now. I really enjoy those lessons about Mohammed's early ministry. He was so peaceful and kind and brought all of humanity together." "Yes child. Very good, Allah be blessed."

"Yes. Peace be upon you imam. And my boyfriend said something else though. He said something like - what is it? - wait until after he leaves Medina. Oh I am sure that will be even better!"

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Quran is pious fraud!

The Quran is pious fraud! 



Muslims claim that the Quran is the final word of Allah. That is impossible for a number of reasons:

1) It was written well after Mohammed's death. Obviously, Mohammed wasn't available to approve its content.
2) It is mostly about Mohammed. Allah is an afterthought at best.
3) It is black and white and separates the world into "us" and "them" - believers and kafirs.
4) It doesn't explain how to be a "good Muslim". Instead it gives direction on evil deeds for those who don't believe it. It would seem that to be a "good Muslim", one must be as evil and ruthless as possible.
5) It is devoid of a "Golden Rule" - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The only "Golden Rule" is do unto others IF AND ONLY IF THEY'RE ALSO MUSLIM!
6) It is devoid of the 10 commandments. A moral set of codes and guidelines are completely missing in the Quran which explains why so many Muslims seek shortcuts to gain their concept of salvation.
7) It fundamentally contradicts itself in many places. For example, Sura 8:12 is evil no matter how it is interpreted.
8) It isn't chronological. It jumps back and forth. If such a book were presented to an editor or publisher today, it would be rejected.
9) Muslims also use Hadiths and the Sunnah to explain and clarify the Quran. If the Quran were the final word of Allah, why the need for other books?
10) Mohammed goes back and forth from being good to being evil. Instead of being a universal code of ethics and (ha ha) "the perfect system for all mankind", Islam is constant and eternal conflict.

SUPPOSE I WANTED TO BECOME A MUSLIM. I WOULD HAVE TO TELL MYSELF:


"I confess that there is no God but Allah and Mohammed was his messenger." Mohammed is always right even if he is wrong. I need to constantly brainwash myself by looking down to pray. I should learn Arabic because Allah is stupid and doesn't know English.

If I am angry with Islam or Mohammed, I need to keep my mouth shut or my fellow Muslims will behead me. Hey where's my grocery list?! I better make sure and buy plenty of Kool-Aid and camel piss.

If I get frustrated, it is OK to lash out at others - especially Jews and other kafirs. If I kill a kafir, I will score brownie points with my imam. If I die for Islam, I will get 72 virgin white raisins.

If I am a Muslim man, I can always beat the shit out of my wife when I get really mad! I'm a mama's boy pussy anyway. Oh wait, there's a dog. I think I'll go set fire to him! Allah will love that!

What's that?! You say Mohammed was a pedophile? And he fucked goats and donkeys? And he slept with his dead aunt?! Liar! Don't you dare say that shit even though it's all true.

IN CONCLUSION:


The Quran is pious fraud! Mohammed was worse than Adolf Hitler. And Islam is complete bullshit. Feel free to quote me on that!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Muslim cab drivers who refuse fares carrying alcohol or pork products or dogs SHOULD BE FIRED!

Muslim cab drivers who refuse fares carrying alcohol or pork products or dogs SHOULD BE FIRED!


I am sickened when I hear about all the "concessions" that Muslim cab drivers (and Muslims in other occupations in America and elsewhere) are seeking. They want footwashing stations at airports. They want prayer rooms. They want special holidays. They don't want "reasonable accommodations". THEY WANT EVERYONE ELSE TO BECOME "ISLAMIZED"!

But more than that - Muslim cab drivers feel it's their right to arbitrarily turn down many legitimate fares that are doing nothing illegal. They are turning down honest patrons who carry alcoholic beverages, pork products, or dogs (INCLUDING SEEING-EYE DOGS FOR THE BLIND AND HEARING-EAR DOGS FOR THE DEAF) which is a deliberate and gross violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act!

Disabled and elderly patrons often have no other choice than take public transportation. Many are unable to drive. Cab drivers are public servants in much the same way as bus drivers, doctors, police officers, etc. Cab drivers have a legal and moral obligation to serve the public.

Cab drivers should have the right to turn down fares in certain circumstances and situations - such as if the patron has a gun or poses a threat (as an example). But there should be a definite and valid reason for refusing fares. Airport authorities and cities can fire or fine or suspend cab drivers for not following the rules.

Rules should apply to everybody INCLUDING MUSLIM CAB DRIVERS! Muslim cab drivers should stop getting a "free lunch". We need to stop being politically correct!

Muslim cab drivers who refuse fares carrying alcohol or pork products or dogs SHOULD BE FIRED!

I decided to convert to Islam (April Fools)!

Sura 8:12 is evil regardless of how it is interpreted!

Sura 8:12 is evil regardless of how it is interpreted!



Sura 8:12 reads: "I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them."

Muslim taqiyya artists claim this Sura is historically based and does not apply today. Really?! Dismemberment is being practiced extensively today by Muslims.

If dismemberment of head and body parts is merely historically based like the sugar-coated crap we hear, then why do so many terrorists, Islamic governments, and criminals do this?! Idi Amin used to dismember his enemies, drink their blood, put their heads on trophy walls, and feed their dead carcasses to dogs and crocodiles. In 2006, Somalis dismembered American soldiers and dragged their bodies through the streets to cheering crowds. Islamic governments execute people, cut up their bodies, then bury them in shallow graves. The Taliban plays soccer with human heads. We have irrefutable video proof of at least one human slaughterhouse is operating in Syria today. And headlines often read something like "Muslim man kills and dismembers his mother / wife / girlfriend."

TO REITERATE - IF SURA 8:12 IS HISTORICALLY BASED - WHY IS IT PRACTICED ON A DAILY BASIS? Hmmm. I guess that Muslims didn't get the memo that Sura 8:12 is only historically based...

Let's assume for a minute that I wanted to convert to Islam. As I'd read the Quran, I'd come to Sura 8:12. It outlines two steps for me: 1) Cut off the infidel's head; 2) Dismember the infidel.

BUT WHICH ONE DO I DO FIRST?!

If I behead them first then dismember, I would be defiling a dead body which is evil!

If I dismember the infidel first, then behead them, I'd be causing needless suffering which is also evil. I could have just killed them painlessly.

Sura 8:12 contradicts itself and is evil no matter which way it's done. I refuse to believe that an all-powerful omnipotent being would sanction and encourage such behavior. I therefore make the following conclusion:

ISLAM IS AN EVIL SATANIC DEATH CULT!







Saturday, November 8, 2014

Why do Muslims feed us taqiyya that Islam is peaceful by deliberately misquoting Sura 5:32?!

Why do Muslims feed us taqiyya that Islam is peaceful by deliberately misquoting Sura 5:32?!


Muslims claim that Sura 5:32 says: "If anyone kills a human being it is if he killed all of mankind and if anyone saves a human being it is as if he saved all of mankind."

Parts of Sura 5:32 are deliberately left out to make it seem as if Islam is peaceful! Sura 5:26-33 outline a sermon by a Jewish rabbi which was overheard by Mohammed. It refers to how Cain killed Abel in Genesis 4:8. This sermon relates the circumstances when killing is justifiable.

The entire Sura 5:32 IN CONTEXT: "We ordained for the Children of Israel that if anyone slew a person - unless it be in retaliation for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he slew all mankind: and if anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of all humanity."

MUSLIMS NEVER QUOTE THE VERY NEXT SURA - Sura 5:33! "The punishment for those who wage war against Allah and his apostle and strive to make mischief in the land is: They should be murdered or crucified or that opposing hands and feet should be cut off or they should be imprisoned. This shall be a disgrace for them in this world and in the hereafter they will have a grievous chastisement."

Sura 5 sets up Islamic "blasphemy" laws. Anything against Islam in Muslim lands is severely punished! Christians and Jews aren't supposed to build houses of worship unless they pay the jizya. Christians aren't supposed to spread the gospel of Jesus's ministry. And by association, anything negative about Allah or Mohammed or Islam EVEN IF IT IS TRUE is to be silenced.

This is of course why Barack Obama and the United Nations (COMPOSED OF MANY MUSLIM NATIONS) are trying to stifle freedom of speech.

Not very peaceful, is it?!

I have been to Egypt ! Let me tell you what it was like


THE ISLAMIC BABY JIHAD IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT IN THE WORLD’S BEST INTERESTS!

THE ISLAMIC BABY JIHAD IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT IN THE WORLD’S BEST INTERESTS!


I haven’t heard people weigh in on this subject, so I thought I would. Muslims are trying to pass up Christians (and for that matter other religions) with a “baby jihad”. They have been commanded to have as many children as possible.

It has been “succeeding” in a manner of speaking. I have heard Muslims bragging that they number 1.7 billion as of this year. The last number I heard was 1.5 billion. This number keeps going up!

Want to hear a staggering number? OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS ONE OF 57 CHILDREN! That’s right! 57! 57 isn’t just the number of predominantly Muslim nations, it is also the number of “baby bin Ladens” running around! On the other hand, Americans have less than 3 children on average!

China , the most populous nation in the world, has a different rule. Only ONE (1) child per family is allowed. We all know there are problems with this, and that it is often violated. But at least China is doing something.

But the Islamic world, for the most part, is comprised of “third world” nations. The largest Islamic nation in area is Sudan and it is extremely poor (and in the midst of a major genocide). The Islamic nation that is the most powerful militarily is Egypt (which is now in a revolution).

Even though the thought of Muslims outnumbering other religions scares most of us (IT DEFINITELY SCARES ME), just because they outnumber us, doesn’t mean that should worry us yet. Outnumbering us is one thing – but taking over the west is a scarier proposition!

As mentioned, Sudan is in the midst of a major genocide. The Christians in southern Sudan want to break free and create their own nation. Egypt (as I mentioned) revolted against their president and wants him to leave office. Tunisia just had a bit of a revolution. Jordan is threatening a revolution. Yemen is also threatening a revolution. And we already know about the civil unrest in Iran and Iraq – and not to mention – Afghanistan !

Look at the demographics. The average Muslim is under 30 years old, dirt poor, and making about $2 a day by American standards! These people are fed up AND I DON’T BLAME THEM – I WOULD BE FED UP TOO!

The only commodity the Islamic world has, for the most part, is oil. Only some Islamic nations have oil. The problem is that instead of using their oil revenues for the people, the ruling classes of Islamic oil-producing nations keep the “lion’s share” of the money.

Saudi Arabia , for example, donates millions of dollars to American universities (and engage in “stealth jihad” to further Islamic ideals) INSTEAD OF FEEDING THEIR OWN PEOPLE!

But let’s look at another middle-eastern nation – Israel . Israel has no oil and no oil revenue. But it enjoys one of the highest standards of living in the world! Why? Israel is a free nation and its people are its industry (in much the same way as the United States and Switzerland ). Some of the highest tech jobs and industries in the world are in Israel . This is why even though you practically have to look through a magnifying glass to see Israel (which is surrounded by numerous larger Muslim nations), they have a very powerful military.

God bless Israel ! In 1967 was “the 6-day war”. Jordan , Syria , and Egypt invaded Israel simultaneously and Israel defeated the combined armies of three huge Muslim nations. IN SIX DAYS! And what did they do on the 7th day? They rested.

The Muslim world is still in the dark ages in many ways. We already know Islam is in need of a major reform (to say the least). Even if, arguably speaking, Allah is the true God, and Islam is the true religion, CERTAINLY THE CURRENT INTERPRETATION(S) OF THE KORAN AREN’T IN ACCORDANCE WITH WHAT GOD WOULD WANT. If Allah (or God) favored Islam, why did Israel win the 6-day war in 1967 (for example)?

Meanwhile, Muslims are also in the midst of a “stealth jihad”. I guess if you can’t beat the west militarily or with higher standards of living, you can win the propaganda war. Young western children in grade schools, high schools, and colleges (who are highly impressionable and seeking their own identities) are being bombarded with Islamic propaganda. Many school textbooks (which were written in Muslim countries) are saying, for example, that the Muslims discovered America ! They are also saying that the Muslims discovered Australia ! MY TAKE ON THAT IS “NICE TRY”!

But the worst and most irresponsible tactic the Muslims are using is known as “baby jihad”. If you can’t beat the west militarily or with higher living standards, you can win the propaganda war, AND YOU CAN MAKE MORE BABIES!

What is the world going to do with all these new mouths to feed though?! We are running out of water and food and places to put people. Pollution is ravaging the planet regardless of whose fault(s) it is. OVERPOPULATING THE PLANET WITH NEW MUSLIMS IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT IN THE WORLD’S BEST INTERESTS!

The next generation of Muslim children will more than likely grow up in totalitarian regimes. They will be angry just like the current batch of young Muslims.

How will these new Muslim children vent their anger? Some will revolt. Others will join terrorist organizations. What do they have to live for anyway? They have no lives and no future(s). Why not just don a suicide vest, go to Israel and blow up while taking out some innocent Israelis as a “bonus”? Or why not blow up an American embassy or consulate?

But many of these children will want to flee and emigrate to the United States , Canada , Australia , and Europe . Some of them will leave Islam of course, but many others won’t. They will continue demanding that we conform to their standards. Even though Islam is a major failure, they will continue coming here and wanting us to become Islamized!

Well, enough is enough! The world needs to speak out and speak up. We don’t need “57 baby bin Ladens”! And we need to stop being “politically correct” and speak out!

Instead of producing more children, why don’t the Muslims produce more industry? Why not use science and technology and find new ways of producing food and other products?

Why do Jews outnumber Muslims about 20 to 1 in Nobel prizes even though they have only 1% as many people?! Isn’t it ironic that though you need a microscope to see Israel on a map surrounded by Muslim nations – YOU ALSO NEED A MICROSCOPE TO SEE HOW FEW MUSLIMS HAVE WON NOBEL PRIZES?!!!!!

Barack Obama thinks NASA should reach out to the Muslim community. But here’s a thought. WHY DOESN’T THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY REACH OUT TO THE WORLD INSTEAD? Instead of producing so many babies (which is a problem for the world), why not offer solutions instead?

GIVE THE WORLD SOME SOLUTIONS! DON’T GIVE THE WORLD MORE PROBLEMS! Be responsible! Grow up! Stop trying to take over the world with terrorism, stealth jihad, and baby jihad. Instead of winning, EVERYBODY LOSES!

Obama learns from Muslims about rewriting history!

It IS acceptable to hold the religion of Islam and Muslims responsible and accountable for their misdeeds!

Muslims always parked in my parking spot UNTIL I STOPPED THEM COLD!

Muslims always parked in my parking spot UNTIL I STOPPED THEM COLD!


It was back in the mid 1990s in southeast Portland , Oregon . I lived in an apartment. I had the best assigned parking spot in the whole apartment complex.

Often I would come home from work or errands and find somebody else parked in my spot. In each case, I would go visit the apartment manager who told me he didn’t recognize the car (since it wasn’t a fellow tenant). The manager was an elderly man from Kentucky . I asked him if he could please call the towing company and have the illegally-parked car towed away, but he contended that was too harsh.

I was extremely frustrated. This was happening 3 or 4 times a week now and I was sick of it! I kept on having to park in the visitor’s parking or sometimes on the street ¼ mile away instead of my assigned space that I paid rent for!

One time I saw a middle-eastern Muslim man returning to his car (who had been parked in my spot) and asked him not to park there anymore. He looked at me funny and said nothing. This pissed me off even more! But at least I learned it was friends of an Iraqi Muslim neighbor of mine whose visitors were playing me!

Calling the police is no good either. They wouldn’t do anything obviously because it’s a civil matter. The manager was a no-go because he had no backbone. And confronting these people was useless because they played stupid on me!

I was left with basically no options. I either had to continue taking their abuse or find my own way of fighting back. I thought about keying their cars, bashing out their windows, or slashing their tires until I was told the perfect remedy by my next-door neighbor!

What do you do when they park in your spot and the manager won’t tow them? YOU PARK YOUR CAR DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM SO THEY CAN’T LEAVE WITHOUT ASKING YOU TO MOVE!

An Iraqi Muslim was parked in my spot again and now I can fight back. Maybe the apartment manager doesn’t have a backbone, BUT I DO! I PARKED RIGHT BEHIND THE BASTARD!

So I went into my apartment and sat on the couch and watched TV. After about 3 hours I heard a knock knock on my door. I answered it. An Iraqi man with a thick accent said “Excuse please, I tink you arr-uh paw-arked behind me. I want leave now. Can you pweeze moo-uhve yor-uh car-rah?”

I was waiting for him! BUT GUESS WHAT? SINCE THIS HAD BEEN HAPPENING SO OFTEN, I WASN’T GOING TO LET HIM OFF THE HOOK THAT EASY!

So I retorted “Um, I’m sorry, I’d like to move my car, but I seem to have misplaced my car keys. So I asked my roommate Billie Joe “Hey, Billie Joe, have you seen my car keys?”

“No!”

“Hey, I’m sorry. I can’t find my keys right now. But I tell you what, I’ll look for them, and when I find them I’ll move!”

So what did I do in the meantime? Did I look for my keys? Hell no! They were right there in my pocket! I just sat there on my couch and kept watching TV. About an hour later I heard another knock on my door. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it was that same Iraqi man at my door again LOL!

“Excuse pweeze, did you-uh fi-und yor-uh car-rah keys?”

“No not yet, but I’ll keep looking.”

“Hey, I tink you arr-uh puh-laying games wit me. I go to aparr-ut-munt mawnager and tell him you won’t moo-uhve yor-uh car-rah!”

“Go right ahead. I promise you he won’t do anything! I keep asking him to tow you guys when you park in my spot and he won’t, so obviously he isn’t going to help you. Feel free to ask him though!” (The funny thing about this is I bet he had already asked the  no-backbone “mawnager” from Kentucky – so basically I “called his bluff”)!

“OK den, I call-uh de puh-leece de-paw-artmunt on you!”

“Oh go ahead and call the police. It’ll take them about two hours to come out. Plus even if they come, they won’t do a damn thing because it’s a civil matter!”

So he grumbled and walked away!

I closed the door, sat down on my couch, and kept watching TV. Billie Joe was laughing her ass off. She asks me “So how long are you going to keep him waiting?”

“I don’t know. I’LL MOVE MY CAR WHEN I’M DAMN GOOD AND READY!”

So after another half hour I finally decided to move my car. I walked out there to my car. The guy was standing there next to my car with his arms crossed and a mean scowl on his face. I stared him down and smiled! If he thought he would intimidate me, he was wrong! I don’t back down. Anybody who knows me knows this.

So I moved my car. He pulls out of my spot, rolls his window down, and says to me “I am nev-er-uh goink to par-uhk in yor-uh paw-arking a-spot again!”

And guess what? NEWS TRAVELS FAST! NOBODY ELSE EVER PARKED IN MY SPOT AGAIN! NOBODY! I AM SURE THAT MY IRAQI NEIGHBOR TOLD HIS VISITOR FRIENDS NOT TO MESS WITH ME!

The morale of this story is DON’T BACK DOWN TO INTIMIDATION! Stand up for yourself.  Muslims are used to getting their way about everything. They don’t care if they break or “bend” the rules. And they don’t comprehend someone standing up to them. But what I learned is – if you don’t back down when they get in your face, and if you fight fire with fire, they will respect you! And they will fear you too!

Class dismissed!

A collection of Muslim jokes - AND I DON'T CARE IF MUSLIMS ARE OFFENDED BY THEM OR NOT!

A collection of non-politically correct Muslim jokes - AND I DON'T CARE IF MUSLIMS ARE OFFENDED BY THEM OR NOT!


Before I get into my collection of jokes (many of which I made up myself or embellished), I have a statement.

Salman Rushdie wrote the book "Satanic Verses" criticizing Islam in 1989. To this day - 25 years later - he still has a death fatwa on his head. In 2006, Danish cartoonists published several anti-Muslim cartoons in European newspapers. Muslims bombed embassies and threatened to kill the cartoonists. Libyans attacked the Benghazi embassy in 2012. Whether true or not, Obama claimed that the film "Innocence of Muslims" caused their anger - AND INFERRED THAT WE SHOULD NEVER CRITICIZE ISLAM because we'll hurt their feelings and they'll kill us!

After that happened, Obama gave his famous speech to the United Nations including his famous quote: "The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam." What does that mean exactly? Is Islam a perfect system that is above critique? HELL NO! What does "slander" mean, Mr. Obama?! Does that mean we can't say anything bad about Islam or Muslims whether it's true or not?! It would seem that this is their goal - an international ban on criticizing Islam.

What do I have to say about this?! Islam is an evil demonic cult! Mohammed was a madman and a sexual pervert who had sex with anything and everything - male or female / young or old / alive or dead / human or animal. Mohammed wasn't a prophet of God or anything resembling a perfect human. And saying so is the truth whether Muslims like it or not. These are facts that are readily proven in his actions and deeds; their "holy" books, and those who emulate him in the present generation! There - I said it!

I will now relate a tiny sample of laughable events. A Sudanese man who kept having sex with his neighbor's goat was forced by Sharia court to marry the goat. I can picture the scene: "I now pronounce you man and goat. You may kiss the bridegoat." We laugh and joke about this as well we should. Hell - Muslims should laugh at this too. Why should we be punished for laughing about it?! It really happened! And it dramatizes their problem with rampant bestiality.

A few years ago a mullah named Zamzami said that Muslims can have sex with their dead wives! This isn't a joke either. It really happened and is easily documented. This causes a rift in the Muslim community. It's disgusting. It's despicable. It's evil. Yet Mohammed slept with his dead aunt according to their own holy books - and a modern-day mullah condones and encourages it. AND I FEEL THE PERFECT RIGHT TO JOKE ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

A few years ago a fatwa was passed that Muslim women should have their husbands present when they cut bananas and cucumbers because they might sexually arouse themselves with them. I can see it now. Fatima will ask: "Hey Aziz - can you stop fucking the donkey for a minute so you can supervise me cutting cucumbers?!"

Al Qaeda recently passed a fatwa that homosexual bum sex is OK if the jihadist is trying to make his butt bigger so an explosive will fit in his anus. Feel free to Google search it.

I could go on and on about the evils of Islam. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. But above all - I am mad at Islam! Fuck Islam! It should be outlawed. It should be eradicated from this planet! I will never ever be silenced from speaking out about it! And I will never convert! I am an infidel for life!

Now for the jokes:

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

MYSTERY SOLVED! Q: Who poisoned Mohammed?! Was it the Jewish woman Bint Zaynab Harith or was it Aisha?! (Cue the DRAGNET theme please…)

A: NEITHER! The goat poisoned Mohammed! Yeah. Then to avoid being caught, the goat cleverly ate the evidence – the poison bottle right down the old hatch. Fortunately a Muslim man wasn't nearby to eat the yummy goat shit as it came out and it managed to bury itself right next to the charred remains of a bunch of copies of fake Qurans and Satanic Verses that good old Uthman burned. And now you know!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Allah"
"Allah who?"
"Allah who Akbar." BOOM! No survivors.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

NEXT TIME LITTLE JOHNNY GOES ON A MOSQUE FIELD TRIP, have him ask the imam:

1. How many FBI raids have you had this year?
2. Does the kaaba double as a crapper?
3. Can we watch a live beheading?
4. Can we fire an AK-47 like the kids in Gaza do?
5. Do you have any extra Qurans lying around? My dad wants to start a bonfire.
6. Can I eat my bacon sandwich my mom packed for my lunch? I’m hungry.
7. Any of your Pakistani relatives get zapped in a drone strike recently?
8. You got any child-sized suicide vests we can try on?
9. Mom’s coming too. She brought Fido since nobody could dog-sit. OK?!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

WHAT DOES "MUSLIMS" STAND FOR?:

1. "Militant Unholy Sadistic Lying Intolerant Maniacal Satanists"
2. "Mohammed Usually Spoke Lies In Most Situations"
3. "Mohammed's Ultimate Satisfaction Lied In Misleading Suckers"

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

WHAT DOES "ISLAM" STAND FOR?:

1. "I'm Satan Learn About Me"
2. "I'm Saying Lies And Malice"
(AND THE LAST ONE IS FOR THE DANCING BOYS OF AFGHANISTAN)
3. "I Sodomize Little Androgynous Males"

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

What is this thing with MUSLIMS and BARS?

They don't drink so they hate BARS and taverns. They rarely bathe so they hate BARS of soap. But on the other hand, a lot of them are behind BARS!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE THIRSTY PALESTINIAN TERRORIST?

A Palestinian terrorist was roaming the desert aimlessly in search of water. His throat was parched. He was sweating profusely. He had to have water and soon. He spotted a business ahead in the distance so he walked towards it.

It was a necktie shop owned by a Jewish man. "Water! Water! Must have water or I will die!"

"Sorry, we don't have any water here. But can I interest you in a necktie or a bow tie?"

"No you stupid Jew! Now shut up and give me some water or I will kill you!"

"No water here, Bud. But I tell you what. About 3 miles from here in THAT direction (he points) is my brother's restaurant. They have water there."

"OK thanks. I go there."

Off he lumbers toward the restaurant. He collapses of exhaustion a few times. But with every last ounce of strength he finally sees it ahead.

"WATER! THANK ALLAH!"

He reaches the restaurant. He is greeted by the host who is a big burly man. "Please! Must have water! I will order anything on the menu. I need water or I die!"

"I'm sorry sir. But we can't allow you in."

"What? You don't serve Muslims here?"

"No. It's not that."

"Well what is it then?"

"LOOK UP AT THE SIGN!" (He points)

The sign says: "ALL PATRONS MUST WEAR TIES!"

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

I hear that "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" has been rewritten for the Muslims.

The new dwarfs are: Humpy, Crappy, Creepy, Slashful, Sleazy, Gropey, and Crock.

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A new Islamic fatwa for women:

"Muslimas, your husband not always available to give you black eye or broken nose or acid splash. He could be busy beheading infidels, drinking camel piss, or screwing the goat. Sometimes you need to show initiative and abuse yourself like the Shiites do on Ashura. For once slap yourself. Or throw yourself down the stairs. Or cut off your own nose. Don't always wait for husband..."

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A Pakistani boy just moved to America and went to a western elementary school for the very first time.

On his first day his teacher asked him: "Son - what is your name?" "My name is Abdul." "No it isn't. You're in America now so you must have an American name. Your name is now Johnny!" "Um - OK!"

So Johnny (Abdul) went home and told his parents his new name and they beat the shit out of him!

The next day of class, Johnny came in battered and bruised. His teacher asked "What happened, Johnny?" "Well right after I got home I got beat up by a couple of Pakistanis!

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After bomb-making class, Abdul and Nazir went to the dressing room to take a hot shower. After stripping down, Abdul saw that Nazir had a cork up his butt. "Hey Nazir, did you know you got a cork up your butt?" "Yeah Abdul, I knew." "Well why don't you take it out? It's got to be uncomfortable." "Abdul, it won't come out! It is permanently lodged there!" "Why is that Nazir?!" "Well Abdul, I was walking in the desert and saw a bottle lying there. I picked it up and out pops a Jewish genie. He said he can grant any wish I desired. Without thinking I queried 'REALLY?! NO SHIT?!'"

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A rich man, a vegetarian, and a Muslim woman are shopping at a mall together. A survey taker approaches them and asks: "Excuse me. I would like to get your opinion on the extremely high cost of meat."

The rich man inquires: "What's do you mean by extremely high cost?!"

The vegetarian retorts: "What the hell is meat?!"

The Muslim woman - after scratching her head - asks: "WHAT'S AN OPINION?!"

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Well that's all for now folks. But I got more! Lots more! I haven't even started on my Q & A jokes or my collection of incest jokes. This is a small sample! Trust me!