A collection of Muslim jokes - AND I DON'T CARE IF MUSLIMS ARE OFFENDED BY THEM OR NOT!

A collection of non-politically correct Muslim jokes - AND I DON'T CARE IF MUSLIMS ARE OFFENDED BY THEM OR NOT!


Before I get into my collection of jokes (many of which I made up myself or embellished), I have a statement.

Salman Rushdie wrote the book "Satanic Verses" criticizing Islam in 1989. To this day - 25 years later - he still has a death fatwa on his head. In 2006, Danish cartoonists published several anti-Muslim cartoons in European newspapers. Muslims bombed embassies and threatened to kill the cartoonists. Libyans attacked the Benghazi embassy in 2012. Whether true or not, Obama claimed that the film "Innocence of Muslims" caused their anger - AND INFERRED THAT WE SHOULD NEVER CRITICIZE ISLAM because we'll hurt their feelings and they'll kill us!

After that happened, Obama gave his famous speech to the United Nations including his famous quote: "The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam." What does that mean exactly? Is Islam a perfect system that is above critique? HELL NO! What does "slander" mean, Mr. Obama?! Does that mean we can't say anything bad about Islam or Muslims whether it's true or not?! It would seem that this is their goal - an international ban on criticizing Islam.

What do I have to say about this?! Islam is an evil demonic cult! Mohammed was a madman and a sexual pervert who had sex with anything and everything - male or female / young or old / alive or dead / human or animal. Mohammed wasn't a prophet of God or anything resembling a perfect human. And saying so is the truth whether Muslims like it or not. These are facts that are readily proven in his actions and deeds; their "holy" books, and those who emulate him in the present generation! There - I said it!

I will now relate a tiny sample of laughable events. A Sudanese man who kept having sex with his neighbor's goat was forced by Sharia court to marry the goat. I can picture the scene: "I now pronounce you man and goat. You may kiss the bridegoat." We laugh and joke about this as well we should. Hell - Muslims should laugh at this too. Why should we be punished for laughing about it?! It really happened! And it dramatizes their problem with rampant bestiality.

A few years ago a mullah named Zamzami said that Muslims can have sex with their dead wives! This isn't a joke either. It really happened and is easily documented. This causes a rift in the Muslim community. It's disgusting. It's despicable. It's evil. Yet Mohammed slept with his dead aunt according to their own holy books - and a modern-day mullah condones and encourages it. AND I FEEL THE PERFECT RIGHT TO JOKE ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

A few years ago a fatwa was passed that Muslim women should have their husbands present when they cut bananas and cucumbers because they might sexually arouse themselves with them. I can see it now. Fatima will ask: "Hey Aziz - can you stop fucking the donkey for a minute so you can supervise me cutting cucumbers?!"

Al Qaeda recently passed a fatwa that homosexual bum sex is OK if the jihadist is trying to make his butt bigger so an explosive will fit in his anus. Feel free to Google search it.

I could go on and on about the evils of Islam. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. But above all - I am mad at Islam! Fuck Islam! It should be outlawed. It should be eradicated from this planet! I will never ever be silenced from speaking out about it! And I will never convert! I am an infidel for life!

Now for the jokes:

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MYSTERY SOLVED! Q: Who poisoned Mohammed?! Was it the Jewish woman Bint Zaynab Harith or was it Aisha?! (Cue the DRAGNET theme please…)

A: NEITHER! The goat poisoned Mohammed! Yeah. Then to avoid being caught, the goat cleverly ate the evidence – the poison bottle right down the old hatch. Fortunately a Muslim man wasn't nearby to eat the yummy goat shit as it came out and it managed to bury itself right next to the charred remains of a bunch of copies of fake Qurans and Satanic Verses that good old Uthman burned. And now you know!

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"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Allah"
"Allah who?"
"Allah who Akbar." BOOM! No survivors.

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NEXT TIME LITTLE JOHNNY GOES ON A MOSQUE FIELD TRIP, have him ask the imam:

1. How many FBI raids have you had this year?
2. Does the kaaba double as a crapper?
3. Can we watch a live beheading?
4. Can we fire an AK-47 like the kids in Gaza do?
5. Do you have any extra Qurans lying around? My dad wants to start a bonfire.
6. Can I eat my bacon sandwich my mom packed for my lunch? I’m hungry.
7. Any of your Pakistani relatives get zapped in a drone strike recently?
8. You got any child-sized suicide vests we can try on?
9. Mom’s coming too. She brought Fido since nobody could dog-sit. OK?!

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WHAT DOES "MUSLIMS" STAND FOR?:

1. "Militant Unholy Sadistic Lying Intolerant Maniacal Satanists"
2. "Mohammed Usually Spoke Lies In Most Situations"
3. "Mohammed's Ultimate Satisfaction Lied In Misleading Suckers"

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WHAT DOES "ISLAM" STAND FOR?:

1. "I'm Satan Learn About Me"
2. "I'm Saying Lies And Malice"
(AND THE LAST ONE IS FOR THE DANCING BOYS OF AFGHANISTAN)
3. "I Sodomize Little Androgynous Males"

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What is this thing with MUSLIMS and BARS?

They don't drink so they hate BARS and taverns. They rarely bathe so they hate BARS of soap. But on the other hand, a lot of them are behind BARS!

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DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE THIRSTY PALESTINIAN TERRORIST?

A Palestinian terrorist was roaming the desert aimlessly in search of water. His throat was parched. He was sweating profusely. He had to have water and soon. He spotted a business ahead in the distance so he walked towards it.

It was a necktie shop owned by a Jewish man. "Water! Water! Must have water or I will die!"

"Sorry, we don't have any water here. But can I interest you in a necktie or a bow tie?"

"No you stupid Jew! Now shut up and give me some water or I will kill you!"

"No water here, Bud. But I tell you what. About 3 miles from here in THAT direction (he points) is my brother's restaurant. They have water there."

"OK thanks. I go there."

Off he lumbers toward the restaurant. He collapses of exhaustion a few times. But with every last ounce of strength he finally sees it ahead.

"WATER! THANK ALLAH!"

He reaches the restaurant. He is greeted by the host who is a big burly man. "Please! Must have water! I will order anything on the menu. I need water or I die!"

"I'm sorry sir. But we can't allow you in."

"What? You don't serve Muslims here?"

"No. It's not that."

"Well what is it then?"

"LOOK UP AT THE SIGN!" (He points)

The sign says: "ALL PATRONS MUST WEAR TIES!"

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I hear that "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" has been rewritten for the Muslims.

The new dwarfs are: Humpy, Crappy, Creepy, Slashful, Sleazy, Gropey, and Crock.

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A new Islamic fatwa for women:

"Muslimas, your husband not always available to give you black eye or broken nose or acid splash. He could be busy beheading infidels, drinking camel piss, or screwing the goat. Sometimes you need to show initiative and abuse yourself like the Shiites do on Ashura. For once slap yourself. Or throw yourself down the stairs. Or cut off your own nose. Don't always wait for husband..."

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A Pakistani boy just moved to America and went to a western elementary school for the very first time.

On his first day his teacher asked him: "Son - what is your name?" "My name is Abdul." "No it isn't. You're in America now so you must have an American name. Your name is now Johnny!" "Um - OK!"

So Johnny (Abdul) went home and told his parents his new name and they beat the shit out of him!

The next day of class, Johnny came in battered and bruised. His teacher asked "What happened, Johnny?" "Well right after I got home I got beat up by a couple of Pakistanis!

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After bomb-making class, Abdul and Nazir went to the dressing room to take a hot shower. After stripping down, Abdul saw that Nazir had a cork up his butt. "Hey Nazir, did you know you got a cork up your butt?" "Yeah Abdul, I knew." "Well why don't you take it out? It's got to be uncomfortable." "Abdul, it won't come out! It is permanently lodged there!" "Why is that Nazir?!" "Well Abdul, I was walking in the desert and saw a bottle lying there. I picked it up and out pops a Jewish genie. He said he can grant any wish I desired. Without thinking I queried 'REALLY?! NO SHIT?!'"

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A rich man, a vegetarian, and a Muslim woman are shopping at a mall together. A survey taker approaches them and asks: "Excuse me. I would like to get your opinion on the extremely high cost of meat."

The rich man inquires: "What's do you mean by extremely high cost?!"

The vegetarian retorts: "What the hell is meat?!"

The Muslim woman - after scratching her head - asks: "WHAT'S AN OPINION?!"

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Well that's all for now folks. But I got more! Lots more! I haven't even started on my Q & A jokes or my collection of incest jokes. This is a small sample! Trust me!